A while back a good friend of mine wrote an article for his blog entitled “The Top 5 Least Attractive Female Qualities” It’s a popular article on his blog, garnering the most attention according to his stats. It’s about 2 years old now, and a little while ago (if I’m being honest, actually closer to a year ago) Dom asked me if I’d be interested in writing a companion piece from the girl’s perspective. I was absolutely interested but also absolutely a slave to my knack for taking forever to do things that don’t have hard & fast deadlines or consequences. (Because without accountability I am nothing.) But I promised him I’d finally finish it this week because I wanted it done. So ladies & gents, all your subjective questions answered, from someone with no real authority other than being alive and a woman! Feast your eyes:
I, too, am a single woman these days. And being a single woman has its ups and downs. I will agree with my good friend Dominick in that if you’re looking to up the anxiety in your life, try being single. There are few things more horrifying and gut-wrenching than navigating the single-on-single world of platonic friendships, other people’s opinions of who you should be dating, other people’s thoughts on other people’s opinons of you, and the dance you perform with yourself in an effort to try to figure out if you like someone as more-than-a-friend and, worse, whether or not they like you and whether or not you like that.
However, I will see his ‘single’ and raise him ‘single girl’.
Because in the spirit of original sin and gender inequality I am here to claim that being a single young woman, not to even MENTION a Christian one, is far and away more difficult than being a single guy. The ratio of single guys to single girls in your average Christian community is roughly 1:100 (science). And once you cruise past the prime, ripe ‘ol marryin’ age of 24, the pickins get even slimmer.
The hungry masses (of anyone you’ve ever met ever) line up like you’re a depression-era soup kitchen, all chomping at the bit to ask you who you’re dating/if you’re dating/why you’re not dating/have you thought about dating this or that guy/are you interested in someone/why don’t you date so-and-so because you’d be great together, etc., etc.
However, I am an informed, young, single woman living in Philadelphia, who occasionally visits hot[ish] spots and I watch tv sometimes and use the internet AND secretly had on OKCupid for like 3 weeks. So I think it’s safe to say I’m as much of an expert as any to judge the single-guy population at large for their unattractive qualities.
Let’s get started!
Honorable Mention: Way Too Drunk Guy
Dudes. Men. We’re grown-ups now. Or slightly resemble them. You’ve gotta learn how to hold your liquor or know when to stop. If he’s getting frat-boy wasted every weekend, whether one too many shots of whiskey or pre-gaming before hitting the bars (seriously? after 25 this should be a felony), this guy’s still not figured out how far is too far. He’s the chief fight-starter when he gets bumped into standing in the middle of the bar, or the head puker on the walk home, or, best of all, the number one crier who is either lamenting his last failed relationship or psuedo-coming on to all his friends, bros or otherwise. This guy becomes a ward when you’re out, in need of constant supervision, just like those kids you babysit sometimes who still try to sneak chocolate chips out of the baking drawer when you’re in the other room. Nobody wants to drag this guy’s drunk ass back to the apartment because he’s too big and we’re too old for that anyway. Someone’s bound to pull something.
5. Bad Hygiene Guy
Listen. Don’t try to make this a fashion thing or a conservation thing or a lifestyle thing. None of those things prevent a person from being clean. Hipsters, hippies, tramps, transients construction workers and athletes alike… I don’t care if you’re backpacking across the Himalayas with those underwear that you don’t have to wash, you can still clean up.
We’re not talking shaving, or cutting your hair or spraying an offensive amount of Axe spray onto your person, here. We’re talking maintaining the fight against B.O. We’re talking basics here, people. Listen, messines is “in” right now. It’s cool sometimes to act like you don’t care. And honestly sometimes showering can be annoying. Especially if you’re a long, crazy-haired fella. I feel you, man. We’re kindred spirits. I myself am a pro at showering infrequently but appearing/actually still being clean. But this isn’t just messiness or embracing conservation. This guy thinks it’s cool to not shower or wash his clothes or use deodorant. Or maybe he just thinks he’s fooling everyone and nobody has the heart to tell him. But greasy hair doesn’t lie, my friend. B.O. tells the truest of truths. And if you can’t manage to run a wet-nap across your nether regions and run a speedstick over your pits in an attempt to ward off olfactory offenses, what can you possibly offer anyone in a relationship other than a lesson in tactful bad-news-delivering?
4. Pretentious (For Real) Guy
Ok, as an English Literature major and a product of the 2000s pop-punk/emo music scene, I understand a bit of pretentiousness here and there. Hell, I welcome it. However, there’s a fine line between sharing a pretentious joke or guiltily enjoying the feeling that you know more than someone else every so often, and this guy. I’m talking about the kind of pretentiousness that thinks it is the sole harbinger of all knowledge and it is his humble duty to bestow it upon all whose paths he crosses. Whether it’s political opinions, ideas about a new tv show, a recent article you read or your favorite author or band, this guy has an opinion on all of it and he’s not afraid to share it! He’ll tell you he loves lively debates about these things! But his definition of debate is less a 2-person conversation and more an exercise in testing how long he can let you talk before interrupting you with his correct opinion without you getting mad about it. This guy’s love language is condescension and whether it’s about the NCAAF playoff rules, John Steinbeck, Sarah Palin or the book of James, this guy will be sure to steer you straight and quickly sweep away any of those nasty things you have that resemble opinions. He’s less dating you or your mind and more dating your ears. The better to hear him talk, my dear.
3. Passive Guy
This guy. The passive guy, to his credit, may just be a product of his environment full of strong-willed women, weak-willed men and sex ruling everything. But wait, aren’t we all?
This guy’s greatest sin is an unwillingness to risk discomfort. At all. And while that may not seem like it’s so bad, let’s consider the consequences. How does his unwillingness to risk bode for the future? If nothing is worth his potential discomfort, in the form of an awkward or hard conversation or rejection, what can we expect from him in the relationship? Conflict resolution? Doubt it. Disciplining the kiddos? Nope. Standing up for me when a drunk guy shouts things to me at a bar? My guess is he’ll choose to slowly back away and act like he missed the whole thing. We don’t want to date the walking/talking equivalent of a mannequin, who takes up space and looks good in an outfit but that’s about it. If I’m being a brat, or irrational, or just a jerk, I need to trust that this man in my life won’t be afraid to tell me. In a loving, albeit strong, way. I can’t have him running to another room waiting for it to all blow over. If I wanted unwavering support for my most irrationally worst-laid plans, I’d date/marry my best friends.
2. Arrested Development Guy (And Not The Good Kind)
We’re not talking about the guy that’s just a fan of The Bluth family and all their foibles. That guy is awesome. We like that guy because he’s probably witty and a little snarky which makes us laugh because we love to do that sort of thing. THIS guy is in the clinical state of Arrested Development (which Michael Bluth actually mentions in an episode–so meta) Several online dictionaries define it as “an abnormal state in which development has stopped prematurely.” Aka the guy that never grows up. This guy is still living at home, sitting in his football shaped bean-bag chair, eating doritos, smoking weed, and playing Halo all day long. His mom still does his laundry, maybe he has a job, maybe he doesn’t. Maybe he has a degree, maybe he doesn’t. But he definitely has beer pong plans later in the week. This guy literally stops growing up. He quits maturing whenever it’s convenient for him. He might have a checking account, but he probably doesn’t have his own insurance–auto or otherwise. He has no plans to figure out how to move out and it’s not just because he’s saving money to pay off loans, which is a totally respectful path. We’ve all been there, ending up back in the nest or taking a little too long to leave it, but eventually you jump and you grow up. Unless you’re this guy. And this guy will probably expect us to do his laundry and make his sandwiches and let him play Halo all night long too. He can not conceivably love us well. He has the mental capacity of a high school senior. He will not mow the lawn, he will not fix things and he will not keep us feeling young. C’mon guys. Even Blink-182 grew up.
1. Overconfident Guy
This guy may seem a little similar to the pretentious guy, but don’t be fooled. There’s an insidiousness missing from the pretentious guy that lives within this guy. This guy doesn’t just think he’s always, absolutely, right and you are not. No, this guy thinks he is awesome in the most awful way possible. He is thrilled with himself across all avenues. He believes himself to be incredibly good looking, intellectually stimulating, sexually relevant and desirable and a real prize all in all. He believes his affections should be competed for and thus, he be the sole judge of all women around him. They are lucky to exist near him. This guy is vaguely misogynistic at best and a huge douche bag, a la Tucker Max, at his worst. This guy sucks. He really sucks. He’s the guy that asks you, after one message, for sexual favors on OKCupid. He has little-to-no respect for women and while he may be willing to let us know we’re hot and show us off to his friends, he’ll likely not really see us as valuable outside of what we can do for him. It is a fine line men must walk between confidence that is attractive and confidence that is douchey. But a good way to understand it is to make sure you’re consistently respecting the women around you as individuals as opposed to pretty or not-pretty things that can do stuff for you.
So there you have it! My very scientific research on objective things about guys that all girls everywhere agree about! (read: these are my subjective opinions trying to be objective)
Men, take this list and hash it over. Comb it for any semblance of yourselves and make the necessary adjustments!
Or ignore this whole thing because I don’t know you and you don’t know me and what do either of us know, really?